Out in left field ~

definitely switching to wordpress:

2010-02-19T02:53:00.002-05:00

OKAY SO

2010-02-12T15:03:00.000-05:00

Pretty sure I'm switching over to WordPress.

kevinmkilroy.wordpress.com

NOBODY LIKES BLOGGER

2010-02-12T14:03:00.002-05:00

I see Tumblrs, WordPresses, yada yada. What the hell, man. What the hell.

Actually, nobody likes LiveJournal. I don't know anyone who uses that shit.

TWO SIDE NOTES

2010-02-12T12:38:00.002-05:00

(1) Apparently, if you'd like a Nexus One, but the $530 is slightly out of reach for you, just sign up for the contract with T-Mobile and pay the $180 for the phone. Then, before activating the phone, call and terminate your service with T-Mobile, then activate the phone with whatever company you prefer. The termination through T-Mobile will cost you $200; however, that's still approximately $150 cheaper than paying full price for the phone. Besides, if you really want to be a dick about it, early termination fees are illegal... they just also happen to be really difficult to fight. Worth a shot if you're already willing to go through that hassle.

(2) Apparently, if you fill out a "Make a Return" form to return your Nexus One, Google thinks that an appropriate advertisement for the following page is one asking if you're interested in buying a Nexus One.

VERIZON IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE

2010-02-12T11:58:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, as I said, so that I could continue having cell service in spite of Verizon being a fucking asshole, I ordered the Google Nexus One along with the required two year plan. This morning, the phone was delivered. This morning, as well, I received an email from Verizon to confirm that the $420 charge has been removed from my account.

So now, I have four options: (1) keep the phone and terminate my contract with Verizon, and attempt to avoid paying the early termination fee by writing a letter to Verizon explaining that they essentially forced me to find new cellular service - cost to me, ~$840*; (2) keep the phone and terminate my contract with Verizon, then sell my Blackberry on eBay for the current going price of ~$100 - cost to me, ~$740; (3) keep the phone and keep my contract with Verizon as well, reducing my plan to the bare minimum for the remainder of my six month contract while simply not using it - cost to me ~$900; (4) keep my contract with Verizon, return the phone, and cancel my contract with T-Mobile - cost to me, ~$540.

Regardless, in six months I will no longer be a Verizon customer. A customer should not have to jump through fucking hoops just to get money that he or she is entitled to. The only reason I don't get rid of my cell phone entirely is because I either need that or a house phone, and if I'm going to have a phone, I might as well have one I can take with me. And if I'm going to have a phone I can take with me, since this sort of thing is capable of it, I might as well have one that allows me to access the internet if needed (and now that I have a phone that does - meaning the Blackberry, as opposed to the other phones I've had in the past - I find that I really do use those features frequently).

*The costs are figures for the six month period that encompasses the remainder of my Verizon contract, worst case scenario, including the cost of the phone, before taxes. There are other ways of looking at each of those costs: for example, one could consider that if I were to manage to wrangle my way out of Verizon's early termination fee, considering T-Mobile's plan is cheaper than Verizon's, that would be my best option. But that also doesn't include the cost of the phone, and that $180 certainly overshadows the $60 difference in plan price I would have to pay. Of course, one could consider that I'm almost certainly going to spend upwards of $300 on a new phone - depending on the market at the time - once it comes time to sign a new contract, but that's a separate world in my mind right now, akin to beginning fresh.

VERIZON IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE

2010-02-11T19:12:00.003-05:00

As I will admit, it is common practice to return a broken phone once it's replaced by the insurance or the cell carrier. I'm prefacing this with that statement. However, here's my story - so far:

I am a Verizon Wireless customer, and have been a Verizon Wireless customer with my own account (be it with a cosigner or on my own) for more than seven years now. My credit isn't the greatest, and I've missed payments here and there, but even after my girlfriend ran up an extra $750 on my bill one month, I've always managed to bring my account current within a couple of months. I might not have been the perfect customer, but they've nonetheless always gotten their money from me, and I've definitely been loyal to them, in a city where even Boost Mobile has great reception.

Fuck that. It's over. As of tomorrow afternoon - it would have been today if I had gone with the iPhone - I will be with T-Mobile. And here's why.

In October, my Blackberry (Curve 8330) started crapping out on me. To be honest, I don't remember the exact issue; I believe it had something to do with randomly restarting itself. I took the phone into Verizon to see if their tech guys could fix it, figuring it was probably a loose connection of some sort. Not surprisingly - this has happened every time I've had a tech problem - they couldn't fix it, and chose to replace the phone instead. It wasn't through the insurance, it was just a refurbished phone they were sending me, for free, so I was okay with it. The woman in the store put the order in, I went home with my piece of shit phone, and a few days later, I received the refurbished phone and activated it.

I don't ever remember her telling me I needed to mail the broken phone back, and I don't remember there being any instructions to do so in the package with the new phone either. Is it possible I missed them? Yes, of course. Is it probable? Honestly, no. I put the broken phone in my desk drawer, and while I can be forgetful and irresponsible, I feel like I would have noticed something like an instruction to mail a phone back or incur a $420 fee for keeping it. So, I maintain that I was never told.

Regardless, the policy is apparently that one has ninety days to return the malfunctioning cell phone, and after that period of time, the customer is charged the full retail value of the phone. In this case, the full retail value of the phone is $420, which is fucking amazing to me considering that for that price, I could hook up a broadband card to my netbook, install some software, and have a much better and far more powerful "cell phone". But that's neither here nor there; when I received my bill in December, there was a past due balance of $420 on it. Considering I've been paying my bill on time for the last year or so - fiscal responsibility is kind of my new thing - I was rather upset about this. But I calmly - seriously, I did - called customer service and spoke with a representative regarding the issue. Since there was ambiguity regarding my instructions on the old phone, I was told by two different people that I'd be allowed to mail the phone back to them, and once received, they would remove the charge from my bill.

I was in Lake Placid at the time, but as soon as I returned and received the FedEx billable stamp they specifically sent me in order to mail the phone back (and track the package), I sent it out. As per their instructions, I then called them with the tracking number. Their warehouse called about it, and I told them it was on the way. I received a call from billing a few days later, telling me my service was going to be cut off if I didn't pay the past due amount of $420; so I called and spoke with both customer service and accounts once again. At this point, FedEx's website had the package listed as having made it, and even showed who signed for it. I told them the package was received, there was no reason to cut off my service. I was told that there was a notation on the account that I had been told that, but they hadn't received word from the warehouse yet regarding the matter, and they needed to just get paperwork from then confirming it; in the meantime, they could hold billing off for another five days or so.

I discovered during that phone call that there is no interdepartmental collusion whatsoever: nobody knows what's going on in any other department, even regarding the same issue that they need to collaborate on. Given my conversation with them today, I wonder if they set up the corporation this way on purpose, to give themselves tons of bureaucratic leeway in getting their way regarding disputes. However, at that point, I had spoken with no less than five people regarding the matter, all of whom reiterated in some form that once the phone was received by their warehouse, the charge would be removed from my account.

This morning, I received another phone call from Verizon's billing, informing me once again that I have until tomorrow to pay my past due balance of $420, or my service would be terminated. This kind of surprised me, since we were definitely past the five days of grace I was told I'd be given, I guess I assumed the matter had been lain to rest, finally. But, I had also been told at one point that it might take a couple months for my bill to reflect that, so I figured I'd probably just have to call them again, as frustrating as it is that I have to even do so, and it'd be taken care of.

After once again giving the confirmation of delivery of the package and explaining the situation, the woman on the phone reviewed the account, and told me yes, they received the phone, and yes, she could see that I had been told that the charge would be removed from my account. She didn't dispute any of that. But, she had a lovely surprise for me: all bullshit. According to her, it doesn't matter what I was told by the multiple people before her, there is no way they can remove the charge from my account after the ninety day grace period. I fucking blew up. There was a lot of yelling. I said fine, then I want the phone back. Apparently, they can't do that, either: once the phone is received in the warehouse, they can't send it back to me. So I reiterated that I want the charge removed. She could offer me a $35 credit to make up for the bad information, then send me over to financial services in order to set up a payment plan for the $420 that would have to be repaid.

In other words, when the phone was still in my possession, they told me to mail it back and the situation would be rectified. Once they had the phone back, they decided they couldn't do anything about it, anything besides both keep the phone, as well as charge me a shitload of money for being in possession of the phone. The phone that is now in their possession.

This is fucking illegal, but Verizon is trying to get away with doing it. On my end, currently, I'm terminating my own damned contract and refusing to pay a dime of this. I don't care if the phone is broken, if I have to pay for keeping the phone, I at least want the phone in my possession. It can be a paperweight or something, a nice $420 paperweight. The centerpiece of an electronic garden. I can repurpose it, use it for tethering, something. I can just fucking have it, since last time I checked, if you pay for merchandise, at the very least you should be allowed to have that merchandise. Contractually speaking, cell phone contracts are fucking bullshit, and apparently it's one of the first things you learn in Contracts these days as a 1L. But not only does it cost more to fight something like this than just cough up the money, but these corporations have vast sums of money that they're inexplicably willing to spend fighting your broke ass in court over a few hundred dollars.

So there it is, there's Verizon. Is T-Mobile any better as a company? Who knows, but I do know that Verizon has no problem trying to rape me, so fuck them. As it stands, I have no intention of paying either the $420 for the phone, or the early termination fee I'm certain this will incur. Love to see where this takes me.

GRRR WHY THE FUCK IS THE PIZZA PLACE CLOSED

2010-02-10T23:37:00.001-05:00

Oh right. Tons and tons of snow.

But I'm hungry...

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

2010-02-10T05:34:00.001-05:00

You realize the greatest song of your generation was written by a man two generations prior?

I heard this song for the first time when I was a tyke. Seriously

Live it. Learn it. Love it.

THE HURT LOCKER

2010-02-09T22:55:00.002-05:00

I finally got around to seeing this movie - which is playing at Quad Cinema, on 13th St outside of the New School, if anyone is interested in seeing it in a theater still instead of on DVD - and it was poignant, gripping, graphic, exciting, yada yada yada. I can't say anything else about this movie that hasn't already been said... it was a great movie.

LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA

2010-02-09T22:54:00.000-05:00

Beautiful.

2010-02-09T20:24:00.002-05:00

"My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse."

[ Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera, Vintage (paperback) p270. ]

BETTER OFF TED

2010-02-08T01:09:00.002-05:00

"Because I don't have a debilitating personality disorder that keeps me from caring about anything."

"First off, it's not debilitating, an---"

This show should be on Wednesday nights. Get rid of The fucking piece of crap Middle, find something for the 8pm slot and put this on at 8:30pm and give it a shot at succeeding. It's very funny. Not the greatest show I've ever seen, but it never fails to entertain me, and it has the type of quirky ironic humour and simultaneous self awareness that would make it successful if given the chance.

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY "TRUST ME"

2010-02-07T23:39:00.003-05:00

Especially when it's regarding something they really have no fucking control over. Like, "Trust me, the Eagles are going to win the Super Bowl in the next five years." What? Why? Who are you? Do you have some sort of knowledge of the future? Why should someone "trust" that your prediction is going to be accurate? Are you that self assured and confident that we should all abandon our own opinions in favour of your clearly superior one? The phrase itself is just annoying. Well, I was going to stick to my guns on this one, but then you told me I should trust you... so fuck it, whatever you say.

Trust Me: A Play in One Act

Douchebag: You should take this hacksaw and hack off your foot.

Kevin: No, I really don't think that would be a good idea, I kind of like my foot.

Douchebag: Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. You should do it.

Kevin:

My boss says "Trust me" constantly, almost every single time he offers an opinion, especially regarding politics. The worst part is that his opinions are all about half a century old. I draw my news and current events information from multiple print and online sources, hold two higher education degrees, and have long been able to have my own fucking opinion regardless... but wait, what is this you say? All democrats are bad, and I should trust you on this information? BAM MADE UP MY FUCKING MIND RIGHT THERE, thank god I didn't have to think for myself on that one. ::Wipes sweat off brow, turns on Glenn Beck::

Why would one need to assert that someone else should trust him or her, anyway? It's like when I'd ask my mother why I have to do something, and she'd say "Because I said so". It's circular logic. Your argument simply doesn't make sense, hence why you need to tell me to just forget it all and trust you on the matter. The fact that you're even commanding me to trust you is grounds enough for me to distrust you. As a matter of fact, I think that from now on, whenever someone tells me to trust him or her, I'm going to automatically do or think exactly the opposite of what her or she says. No more of this bullshit! I will eliminate this phrase from the vernacular of the times, or I will - literally - die trying. Trust me.

FACEBOOKY FRIENDS

2010-02-07T21:56:00.000-05:00

I've started deleting people based on annoying status updates and/or status updates I disagree with. I think it's a good way to eliminate people I'm sure I will never actually spend time with in real life.

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY BLOWS

2010-02-07T21:30:00.002-05:00

... when you don't watch football, anyway. Like right now, I'm sure my pizza is going to take for goddamned ever. Maybe I'll get lucky and their rush will have died, but... I'm not counting on it.

SO I DECIDED TO BUY A BOTTLE OF WINE ON MY WAY HOME TONIGHT

2010-02-06T23:03:00.002-05:00

And the dude at the counter of the liquor store said "Hey, what's up? I haven't seen you in a while..." but he had that hurt puppy love look on his face like a dude who just ran into an ex he still really wants back. I'm not saying the guy wants to fuck me, but I guess he'd probably like it if I dropped in and dropped $100 or so on booze every other week again, but little does he know that it's Saturday night (well he probably knows that) and I am going to be in bed by about twelve, because I've reached this awful stage where I have nothing going on, but hangovers are really getting to be a nuisance. Sooo... sorry dude.

MY OVEN DOOR WON'T SHUT Y'ALL

2010-02-05T23:12:00.002-05:00

I suppose that's why my tv dinner didn't cook all the way through the other night.

Yeah that's right, I cook tv dinners in the oven. Makes me feel like I'm actually cooking.

NONONONONONONO

2010-02-04T23:01:00.002-05:00

I so thought I was going to have my old laptop finally up and running again tonight, until lo and behold, BOUGHT THE WRONG MOTHERFUCKING HARD DRIVE. Guess I shouldn't have been so lazy and attempted to install it a month ago when it fucking got to my door.

And again... I wait.

HAZZAAHH FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY!

2010-02-04T19:48:00.002-05:00

Not only am I insured again, but they had me under the wrong classification as well. So for essentially the same price, I now have better benefits. Sweet.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE GARNERING THE MOTIVATION TO ACTUALLY GET A HAIRCUT

2010-02-04T13:38:00.002-05:00

I woke up at like 11:30am today, and that's been number one priority the entire time, as well as the task on my list involving the least amount of work. I should really get my haircut once every two weeks or so - at least once a month - but just out of sheer laziness, I end up waiting until I know that if it gets any longer, it will be impossible to tame. And then I wait a few more days, and finally force myself to walk the three fucking blocks to the shop and get it cut.

THE FRENCH PARADOX

2010-02-04T13:06:00.002-05:00

Here's a link to an article on the French Paradox, discussing the possibility that maybe - just maybe - the reason why French people eat whatever they want and still manage to remain thin isn't because of any one "silver bullet" in the diet, but because they have the tendency to eat slowly, stop before they're full, avoid seconds, etc. I read the article while quickly eating two slices of reheatened pizza for my lunch/breakfast.

JON STEWART ON THE O'REILLY FACTOR

2010-02-04T12:14:00.002-05:00

Of course, it was all recorded ahead of time and cut... I'd love to see the full, uncut interview, especially considering where O'Reilly conveniently cuts it off. But even so, you'd think that if you had the ability to cut an interview against - and I do mean "against", since that's how O'Reilly views his interviews, as a competition - a generally mild mannered, affable man who has proven himself to be a respectful interview subject time and time again, you would do your best not to come off like a pompous asshole. Yet, he still manages to do that. Congratulations, Bill.

Anyway, here's the video.

WEDNESDAYS

2010-02-03T18:01:00.002-05:00

... might as well not exist for me. It's after six and I've yet to get going for the day. I mean, I don't really mind - I work Saturday through Tuesday, so Wednesday is kind of like my "Saturday", or a free day or rest day if you consider that I only work four days - but still, yeesh. My biggest accomplishment of the day is that I tried a new Chinese place. (Wasn't too great.)

JUST THE TIP

2010-02-02T23:05:00.002-05:00

Ever rub one out real quick before you plan on going somewhere, zip back up, then realize like a minute later that there's probably leftover, so you flop it on back out and squeeze the tip a little bit in the hopes of getting any of that excess out and wipe it off?

Anyway, this has been a pretty bullshit week. Off to the bar. Hopefully they didn't play Lost tonight.

ORGANIZATION Y'ALL

2010-02-02T00:31:00.002-05:00

Kind of. I actually completed and filed my taxes way ahead of time this year... pretty cool. If only the rest of my life could get in line and in order, as well, instead of just being an annoying pain in the ass.

Ever have one thing bothering you that just magnifies everything else you dislike about your current situation? Yup. There you go. Oh and if not, fuck you, I envy your lack of attachment.

STILL CRACKIN AT THIS WHOLE "FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY" THING

2010-02-01T23:08:00.002-05:00

So, considering I'm an hourly employee in the restaurant industry, I consider myself pretty lucky to work for a company that offers benefits for full time employees, even if they're not all that great. Except that they will drop you at a moment's notice. Which I discovered today, after receiving a letter notifying me of termination of my coverage due to nonpayment, which I legitimately completely forgot about. And therefore... no more health insurance. Oops.

Time to do my taxes and get a refund so I can afford... more health insurance? (Of course not, it's in the hopes that I'll get my refund during the critical two week period between Iceland and Ireland, so I can have a blast in Ireland without worrying about bills. Silly.)

I FUCKING HATE THE CHICK FROM THE PROGRESSIVE COMMERCIALS.

2010-01-31T21:23:00.003-05:00

Seriously, what is wrong with her face? I think she's like an angel, except instead of a halo above her head, she has a magnifying glass in front of her face at all times.

LEGION: MINUTE MOVIE REVIEWS

2010-01-31T19:55:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I started doing Brief Book Reviews. Today, I'm going to start Minute Movie Reviews... same concept, but alliteration makes anything better. "Brief Movie Reviews" just doesn't have the same ring, right? (By the way, "minute" in this context does not mean the unit of time, but the other meaning/pronunciation that refers to something very small or unimportant.)

Legion is a movie with a really kickass trailer that just proves that having a kickass trailer means absolutely nothing, even for something as mindless as a typical apocalyptic action movie. There is no substance, or really any explanation of what's happening. We know that Michael gives up his wings to ensure Charlie's baby is born, and that the fate of the world depends on the birth of the baby. We knew this from the trailer, though, and the movie doesn't offer much more in the way of an explanation. There's opportunity for a detailed and legendary back story, but like so many other apocalyptic movies, it fails by attempting to be visually grandiose while never being rich in story. We get some cool images, but that's about it, and the lack of even an attempt at anything further rests as proof that the movie was never intended to be anything more than that. Even the resolution is lacklustre; the end of the movie gives us Charlie and whatshisface (I forget, I kept checking my phone out of boredom) driving down a desert road with loads of guns in the back, having learned that whatshisface is the "true" protector of the unnamed baby, and having grown Michael's angelic tattoos. None of this is ever explained, it's just offered up and expected to be taken for granted, that's just the way it is. I have nothing against action movies, and something about Catholic lore mysticism in movies, but to watch Legion for the story is like watching a porn for the story. At this point, the directors might as well have just cut from badass sequence to badass sequence, and glossed over the "details" of the story with a quick paragraph... maybe the audience could have saved itself an hour or so that way. (F)

SPEAKING OF EREADERS

2010-01-31T02:18:00.003-05:00

Only because I mentioned them in the last post. The topic came up at work earlier today, and amongst my lit friends, the common feeling seems to be that they would never get an ereader, and a common reason is the fact that one would no longer have a library. I'm a big proponent of ereaders, not least of all that they're much more environmentally friendly, cost effective, and travel friendly, all of which are important for heavy readers and regular commuters or travelers. But regarding the library issue, I pointed out earlier today and would like to make the point that if its a library you're worried about, take a look at the books on your shelves and ask yourself (a) how many of those books you've read and (b) how many of the ones you've read did you actually enjoy? You can still have a library, but instead of it including every old book you happened to pick up because the cover had a pretty picture on it and the title seemed catchy, all that will happen is, if you really like something, then buy a solid hardcover edition, or just the print version in general, and add that to your new library. Now your library is truly representative of your literary interests and loves, and as such, a true reflection of you, rather than a reflection of your pretension. And this isn't an indictment of any particular person I know, in case anyone is reading: I've gotten the same reaction from a number of people. Believe me, I love books and once I own a home, I'm going to have my office with my many bookshelves filled with books I love for one reason or another. And for my money, there's nothing sweeter than getting a book as a gift with a short note or something inside: it's wonderfully personal, but connecting beyond that. But none of that has to go away just because for your day to day and new adventure type reading, you download your books onto a highly portable, electronic device first. Nothing sentimental or nostalgic has to disappear with new technology unless you yourself allow it to.

THE YIDDISH POLICEMAN'S UNION

2010-01-31T01:48:00.002-05:00

Someone at work asked me a few months back how many books I read every year. The answer to that is kind of difficult to assess, since I go through long periods with a complete lack of regard for a written word, then am voracious through others. Of course, one must also consider that I own a lot of books of poetry and nonfiction that I'll go through, but not necessarily read from cover to cover. I don't really give a shit how many books I read every year; when the ereaders take over, I really will not care that I can't show off my library, since most people haven't read half of what's in their library (myself included) and besides, I don't want you in my fucking house. Probably.

But anyway, in keeping with the spirit of the blog of offering up unsolicited opinions, I think I'll try to revive something I did a while back and comment on what I'm reading. Since I'm a bit of an eclectic reader, and very rarely read truly contemporary work, I don't intend on writing these as real reviews as much as thoughts and impressions shortly after completion, and maybe a quick grade. It's more of a way to keep a log of my thoughts as I wander through my literary life... I considered just doing it in my private journal, but hey, why deprive the few people who actually read this thing.

So here we go. Michael Chabon's contemporary classic, The Yiddish Policeman's Union. I call it a "contemporary classic" because ever since its release, I haven't been able to get away from the damned thing. It was everywhere, but that's probably because the title is so catchy; it's like a good band name, you want to listen just because they sound like they should be pretty awesome, not necessarily because they are. And let's be real: a title is very, very important. But this isn't powerful like For Whom the Bell Tolls, this is catchy like A Confederacy of Dunces, or maybe a novel it would love to be reminiscent of, The Big Sleep. And as a novel, it is. I get Chabon's thing for genre writing, and it's great, and right off the bat, you know you're in a contemporary detective novel. I love the detective novels of the thirties, the grittiness, the simplicity, and just how cool they were. Yiddish certainly aspires to that, but its length makes it difficult to achieve success. The relatively simple plot is bogged down by forced sympathy for Meyer Landsman and an excruciatingly detailed description of Sitka, remarkable for the fact that with each new description, one becomes convinced that it is simply a bland and terrible place to live. Of course, I understand this is intentional; however, the novel still feels quite bloated at something like 410 pages, and when all is said and done, it wraps up very, very quickly and without any sort of questions... a kind of "whoop, okay here's how it ends" sort of feeling. Despite it all, it's still a captivating and rather entertaining read... while I hardly think it will be remembered for its literary genius down the road, it is certainly worth the time to read. (B-)

THIS IS WHY I WAS A LONER FRESHMAN YEAR

2010-01-30T23:27:00.004-05:00

I was standing in line earlier tonight, waiting for the bus and reading my book, and there was a group of inebriated college freshman or sophomore women standing ahead of me, entirely too concerned with whether or not there is vodka at the house they were going to drop their things off at before going out to a party or a bar or some other place where there is already alcohol to be drank (not to mention that on two sides of Port Authority one can find liquor stores, and on all sides one can purchase beer). They were also very concerned with taking multiple group photographs to commemorate their wait in line at Port Authority, but of course one of them was always taking the picture, so finally they had to break down that yuppie chick wall and figure out who they were going to ask to take a picture of all of them. Keep in mind that I was directly behind them in line; I suppose the one girl looked at me, and the one that was actually directly in front of me said "nononononononononononononononono" in what I suppose was meant to be a hushed whisper. I know she meant me because then the other girl whispered "oh well he's reading his book anyway", but seriously: I'm right next to you, even if you whisper, I can hear you. At least shake your head or something, I'm not looking at you so that would be the best way to avoid me knowing that you are absolutely appalled by me. But here's the thing: I shaved my beard this morning, so I don't even look all Mountain Man or Irish Pirate anymore, I just looked like Clean Shaven Kevin, with gelled hair and a scarf. Do I really look that fucking scary? Maybe it's the eyebrows, I don't know, but she seemed terrified at the prospect of me taking a picture of them, like I was going to assume that was an invitation to follow them to their destination, or run off with their camera to continue my shrine to average looking college freshman women. Seriously, none of them were even higher than a six, max, on the DAT scale (increases exponentially rather than proportionately), yet the complexities of their collective egos were astounding as they complained about the bus not being open (the bus that wasn't due to leave for fifteen minutes, god forbid the driver gets a fucking break) and how quickly they can take shots of vodka (man up, drink gin at least, jesus). And it occurred to me, these girls are why I didn't have friends my first year or so of Hofstra, or really, any of it. These are the girls I went to school with. How sad for them, but at least twenty five year old me is able to comfort nineteen year old me when he steps back six years in memory and reminds him: this is what you would have encountered had you went to McHebe's. Good thing you didn't. And that sounds kind of sad, but... I like to think to myself that it's the reason why I found myself reading a book in line at Port Authority tonight instead of worrying about whether or not I had vodka at home.

Actually that's all bullshit, bitch just pissed me off. (And I do have vodka.)

RIP JD

2010-01-29T01:19:00.002-05:00

"When it became clear that nothing of the kind was forthcoming, I took more direct action. I prayed for the city to be cleared of people, for the gift of being alone-- a-l-o-n-e: which is the one New York prayer that rarely gets lost or delayed in channels, and in no time at all everything I touched turned to solid loneliness."

One of my most beloved passages. Nine Stories, mother fucker.

There's this, too.

RIP REDBEARD

2010-01-26T21:54:00.003-05:00

I've noticed my tips as a percentage of my sales have been much lower since I began sporting my awesome red beard. Since I still currently make my living by earning said tips... I suppose I'll have to live without the awesomeness for now.

FUCKIN BOO I DON'T WANNA

FUCK BELGIUM

2010-01-25T23:51:00.002-05:00

Soooo today I had a bunch of Belgians berate me and threaten to call the police for losing their credit card. That is, until they found it underneath their belongings, where three different coworkers had asked them to check thirty minutes earlier. No apology, and despite their entire bill being comped, no tip. I fully admit it was carelessness on my end that caused the card to fall out of the check presenter to begin with. But, I still don't totally get how "let's check under your things, maybe it fell there" translates into "it's your fault, dickheads". I suppose my English is just rusty.

QUOTES

2010-01-25T23:49:00.003-05:00

In reality they were distracted letters, intended to keep the coals alive without putting her hand in the fire, while Florentino Ariza burned himself alive in every line.

[Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera, p69 (Vintage International)]

THIS GUY IS JADED

2010-01-24T22:17:00.002-05:00

This morning, coming out of the station at Herald Square, some disheveled looking guy said excuse me sir, louder and louder to me, until finally I turned around and angrily said "What!" fully expecting to have to tell yet another dude that I have no change for him. He asked me if the PATH train ran out of that station. Then waiting for the bus at Port Authority, some homeless looking guy was going down the line asking for some "paper". I told him I don't have any, again, annoyed. He wasn't using a slang word for money, he really just needed a piece of paper to write something down on, and yes I did have my dupe in my bag and could have easily given the entire pad to him, nevermind one sheet.

Goddamn, I hope I was just in a bad mood today, otherwise I've become kind of a dick to people.

INSOMNIANIACS

2010-01-24T05:37:00.003-05:00

I just heard the paper delivery boy. I think. It's about that time regardless, but my point is that I remember a couple years ago when I heard the paper being delivered almost every night (morning). That was normal. Now, it really pisses me off when I'm actually awake at that time.

Life keeps hinting at me that I'm getting older, I'm thinking one of these days, I should probably take the hint.

UMMM

2010-01-24T05:24:00.002-05:00

"But honestly, anyone that thinks [sic] America has racism issues needs to spend a few weeks in Europe." [WithLeather]

Yes, because racism exists other places, logically, that means it doesn't exist here. I get that his point is more along the lines of saying comparatively, we're pretty good. But still, even if it is true that Europe is more racist than America (especially considering it's rather hard to quantify something so complex), that doesn't mean that ours is okay or acceptable. East Coast Hate doesn't get a free pass just because some Russian figure skaters have a questionable routine.

TOTES GOT MY BLACK POETS ON

2010-01-23T04:28:00.001-05:00

Cornelius Eady and Major Jackson coming my way. Didn't occur to me until tonight that two of my favourite poets have no books in my collection.

MY NIGHT

2010-01-21T21:03:00.002-05:00

Eh. Had plans that I was kind of retardedly overly happy for. Instead I think I'll get drunk and start watching Lost, since everybody tells me it's all the rage amongst the kids these days.

Oh, and Archer is on, and Burn Notice premieres FUCK THEY'RE BOTH ON AT TEN WHY DON'T I OWN A DVR OR A SECOND TELEVISION AT THE VERY LEAST okay at least the new one is on again at 11:30. I really do need a DVR though. They do some kind of witchcraft on televisions, right?

HONESTLY?

2010-01-21T17:05:00.002-05:00

Maybe it's just because I was born in 1984 and therefore grew up with sodas made with high fructose corn syrup instead of cane sugar, but while I do taste a difference, I actually prefer the HFCS. Call me crazy. I mean, if they went back to cane sugar right this very instant, it wouldn't bother me. I don't drink soda very often as it is, and even when I do, I rarely finish an entire soda; besides, the taste difference is small enough that I'd be used to cane sugar soon enough anyway. But, finally being given the opportunity to taste my beloved Mountain Dew in all of its original glory... I was expecting my tongue to orgasm a little bit, and I was pretty underwhelmed.

RESUMES

2010-01-21T17:01:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine, who also just graduated from my program, forwarded his resume to me and asked me if I could give him some pointers, because he hasn't been getting any bites.

Guess he doesn't read my blog.

WHAT THE FUCK

2010-01-21T17:00:00.001-05:00

Can't find my drumset tambourine. But I have my cowbell.

I DON'T USE MY COWBELL

WILL FERRELL LIED

AND I REFUSE TO ADD THAT GIF

TFLN

2010-01-21T14:24:00.002-05:00

Slutty TFLNs go from hilarious to disconcerting very quickly when you realize the area code is the same as your girlfriend's. Even if you don't actually think she's cheating, I've realized recently that there's still a moment of "hahaha wait... was that?..." And I'm not even a jealous person! That anonymity can really fuck with an imagination.

Or is it a clue...

I gotta go.

HMMM FACEBOOK

2010-01-21T01:00:00.001-05:00

Whenever I leave my computer with Facebook up and come back, it seems that the cursor is always hovering over "Friends". I think Facebook is trying to tell me I need more.

BITCH I DON'T

I THINK THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS CONFUSED

2010-01-20T16:02:00.003-05:00

I just received a 2010 Congressional District Census form in the mail. Commissioned by the Republican Party. It says at the top that I've been specially selected to "represent Republican voters in New Jersey's 9th Congressional District".

Ummmmm......... bout as far from Republican as they come. I'm not even registered Independent, I'm registered as a fucking Democrat.

I can't wait to fill this out.

THE PENNY ARCADE

2010-01-20T15:25:00.003-05:00

Every time I walk up to the Penny Arcade at TD Bank with my coffee can full of coins, I feel like a child or a hobo or something and it makes me die a little bit inside, I think. It isn't because it's necessarily bad that I save all of my coins and cash them in at a later date, I think it's just because when I go, only about half of the time is it because the coffee can is full. The other half of the time, it's more because I actually need to convert said coins into something that's more convenient to carry around and spend. And that precocious little slut on the screen doesn't make it any better by constantly trying to make a fucking game out of it... like dude, chill, get a friend or something, I just need some money. So then I try to act all cool when I go up to the counter for my $63.51 like it doesn't mean anything to me, but the dude behind the counter knows, he knows that cash isn't going into a savings account. And I can see in his eyes that he's judging me, or that he's really bored because he works at a counter as a cashier at a bank, which probably gets pretty boring.

Anyway, it's kind of stupid, but that's my personal sort of "I'm weird" tidbit for the day.

SPEAKING OF WORK

2010-01-19T23:27:00.002-05:00

I don't keep track of actual sales anymore, but I do keep track of tips. On average, before tipout, I earn approximately 18%. To give you an idea of how completely different the work environment is now compared to less than a month ago: in the week immediately prior to my vacation, I worked forty one hours, sold approximately $11000, and made approximately $1400; in the week immediately following my vacation, I worked thirty four hours, sold approximately $5400, and made approximately $700. Yeah, it changes that much. (What I earned is prior to taxes, also.)

I'm not complaining... it's the line of work I'm in at the moment, and generally is pretty good, especially at this place. I'm just saying it sucks to go from booking a vacation to Iceland, to knowing you won't be having a drink outside of your home for the next month. I need me some student loans. Either that, or for that big poetry firm to open up downtown and hire me with my shiny new MFA.

ALSO...

2010-01-19T23:19:00.002-05:00

Totes got hit on by an eighty five year old Irish woman at work tonight (and her daughter), who got super excited when I told her I was going to Ireland in March (STUPID) and wrote down her name and a restaurant that supposedly serves an awesome Irish breakfast. I mean, she was really sweet and I know they were hitting on me like a bachelorette hits on a stripper, but I still think I might skip that restaurant on my trip.

Although, she is eighty five, and probably won't even remember having been in New York by the time I'm in Dublin. And I do like a good Irish breakfast. Dude, maybe she owns the place and we'll just get shit for free! Scratch that, I'm going. She might get upset that I'll be there with a coloured girl though.

HIMYM

2010-01-19T22:53:00.002-05:00

(1) There was no reason for Amanda Peet to guest star, especially considering her character was supposed to be a drop dead gorgeous girl from the office and they made her up to look like a cave man even in the scenes she wasn't drinking; (2) the episode synopsis was essentially that she kisses Marshall and Lily doesn't believe it happened, none of which happened until the third act, essentially leaving the first two acts dry, humourless, and lifeless (not to mention nearly pointless); (3) anyone should be able to figure out that her or she is about to get his or her ass kicked when the person her or she is apologizing to is in the process of taking of her earrings, jacket, etc while it's going on; (4) Ted teaches an architecture class in which a front row student confuses it for econ, which should lead one to believe that the class is not only most likely introductory but also most likely a core requirement rather than a major course, yet apparently all thirty students in the class (at a presumably large New York City college) are good friends and regularly drink together until the wee hours of the morning (at bars no less, rather than dorms or apartments, which would be must more cost effective as well as less likely to get them in trouble since they're planning on getting piss drunk when they do and are probably not old enough); (5) apparently, despite most college classes occurring on alternating days, the night Ted went out to a bar with his students (!), the very next day they had class, which they all suffered through, rather than simply canceling and sleeping in; (6) in every situation possible that Barney has the opportunity to anecdotally degrade or sexualize women, he does so, yet he managed to sit through weeks of Jenkins stories from Marshall, knowing full well who she was, without once mentioning his desire to fuck her as he so eloquently did in the very first scene it's mentioned she will become "real" to the viewers and her gender is "revealed" (don't get me wrong, I think his comments are generally very funny, but a lack of them is not in his character)... this is out of order because I finished the episode literally five minutes ago and am just kind of spitballing here... and I think that's it. But I'd say those are six pretty strong inconsistencies in the episode, and if I felt the need to punish myself, I'd rewatch it just to round the list out to ten. But you get my point... the episode sucked, and all in all, I've been kind of disappointed with this season. I mean, whatever, the show is in syndication now and you can't expect the hits to keep on coming forever and ever, but that doesn't mean you don't want them to. I hate to say it, but I feel like the show should be drawing to a close. The first two seasons were amazing, the third season sucked, but after an awesome fourth season, I was pretty convinced the third season was simply rushed due to the writers' strike. However, I'm thinking now that rather than the third season sucking because it was rushed, the fourth season was so good because the writers were sitting on ideas for more time than they usually have; after all, being on strike doesn't mean they're incapable of continuing to work on their own. But, at this point, the steam has been lost, it seems. I hope I'm wrong, but maybe it'd be better to take the reception and acclaim the show has garnered (as well as the fan base), finish out the storyline, and use the name as a launching pad for future projects.

Just a thought. And believe me, a reluctant one at that. I'm a big fan of shows featuring lovable borderline alcoholics regularly doing things they probably shouldn't be doing and avoiding actually growing up while simultaneously being forced to. In New York. You know, it speaks to me for some reason.

MY NIGHT TONIGHT

2010-01-15T02:02:00.002-05:00

I've had this deskbookshelf thing in my apartment since I moved in, and it has never been utlized with the minor exception of a few drawers to toss random shit in. My grandparents decided like four months ago that it should be moved down the shore, and I decided like four days ago that I want my drumset where the deskbookshelf was taking up space, so I decided to take care of that tonight, which entailed the following:

My cousin drove his pickup truck from Livingston to Jersey City, then helped me load the deskbookshelf (two pieces) and a dresser into the bed and tie them down. I left for Philadelphia, which took about two and a half hours since I had the furniture in the back and drove slowly. I realized when I was just outside of the city that I had forgotten the key to the shore house since I had taken it off my key chain about two weeks ago (because I never need it anymore). I drove to my brother's apartment in North Philadelphia to get his key, then to my friend's apartment in Rittenhouse Square to pick him up for the trip, because I have no friends in my hometown anymore and needed help unloading. I drove with him from Philadelphia to Mays Landing, where I bought him a Chinese food dinner as compensation/appreciation, then from Mays Landing to Little Egg Harbor to unload. Unloading the furniture into the house took approximately five minutes*, after which we immediately left for Philadelphia to drop him back off at his apartment, after which I immediately left for Jersey City.

The asterisk is to denote importance, because I'd like for you to remember that it took literally five minutes to unload the furniture when I tell you now that I left my apartment in Jersey City at 5pm, and returned to it at 2am. And did absolutely nothing beyond the account above.

POT POT POT

2010-01-13T14:22:00.001-05:00

Robots With Feelings

AW HELL YEAH

2010-01-12T09:16:00.001-05:00

From Random

OH, HOW WAS MY TRIP?

2010-01-10T23:44:00.002-05:00

Awesome, until I put diesel into my parents' minivan. Turns out, you're not supposed to do that. So... um... that kinda sucked.

But... forty two days until I leave for Iceland.

Forty one in thirteen minutes. Sort of.

(Can you tell I'm super excited about all this?)

GETTING OLD

2010-01-10T23:43:00.000-05:00

Quarter to twelve.

Bout to go to bed.

Hellz yeah I'm excited for this shit.

SOOOO

2010-01-10T11:01:00.002-05:00

Google's Nexus phone will be available from Verizon this spring. I'm eligible for a new phone in the spring.

I *was* going to use my grandparents' upgrades to get the Droid... now I just don't know. Why do you make my life hard constantly, Google!!?!?!

BALLIN

2010-01-02T18:24:00.002-05:00

Lake Placid & Montreal: January 3rd-10th
Iceland: February 21st-28th
Ireland: March 18th-24th

In the thirty two days between February 21st and March 24th, I'll be spending almost as much time out of the United States as I will be in it.

Yeah, you jealous.

WAIT, WHAT

2009-12-27T23:30:00.001-05:00

Why would someone post the following status update:

"going to bed, cells good"

I mean, despite the obvious and sever grammatical infractions and everything.

JUST OCCURRED TO ME...

2009-12-25T14:06:00.002-05:00

... I actually will not be hungover at this holiday family function. Weird.

MANDATED HEALTH INSURANCE...

2009-12-24T18:34:00.002-05:00

If you disagree with mandating health insurance - that is, you get fined if you do not cover yourself - please consider that if you are not covered and you do happen to be seriously injured and incur high medical bills, which you, in turn, one would assume, would not be able to pay*, and therefore do not pay (or become seriously delinquent on), your burden becomes everyone's burden; that is, your nonpayment raises the cost of insurance for the rest of us in the same way that shoplifters raise the cost of goods for everyone else.

*If your first thought is "well how much could that be?"... consider that, for one example, I recently had my knee checked out after a rough concert. There were no x-rays or MRIs performed, just one overworked scrub who felt around for about thirty seconds, gave me a brace, and told me it would be all right. That hospital visit, between physician's fees and hospital fees, without insurance, would have cost me approximately $750. Now imagine if I had actually hurt something.

STUPID LOANS

2009-12-23T18:54:00.002-05:00

I just had to rifle through my student loan exit interview for graduate school. It isn't really an interview so much as an online pamphlet explaining repayment, and it ends with a ten question quiz that asks hard, detailed questions such as, and I might be paraphrasing some here, "Are you responsible for repaying your loans?" Seriously, every question is a version of that, combined with a reminder that if you think you can't, call them to figure out options. But now I got to the end (which took me seventy three seconds that I will never get back), and apparently there's a form I need to download, print out, and mail back. Which means I have to buy envelopes and stamps and connect my printer, all so I can do something that could easily be handled via online submission form.

GOD WHY CAN'T EVERYTHING BE ON THE INTERNET

THE JOKER...

2009-12-19T16:27:00.003-05:00

... I just stumbled across a Facebook profile picture of someone dressed as Heath Ledger's Joker. Which was the unoriginal costume of 2008. And here we are, almost a year and a half later, and someone is still proud enough of his costume in 2008 (or, holy christ I hope not, 2009) that he has it as his profile pictures. On December 19th.

Holy christ. Yes, it was a good performance. No, you are not him. Get over yoself.

SILLY PEOPLE

2009-12-19T02:48:00.002-05:00

From Random

It's a waiter thing... you probably don't get it or give a shit.

(The restaurant I work for is essentially a pub. As such, our wine list is rather inexpensive... our house wines are $8 per glass, and the upsells are mostly $9 and $10. Blackstone merlot is the most expensive wine we sell by the glass: at $12, it's 150% more than the house, which is the only other merlot option. And a spritzer, in case you aren't aware, is a wine cocktail made by mixing wine with soda water; usually it would be a white wine such as chardonnay or pinot grigio, but regardless, ordering a spritzer with anything other than the house wine is stupid (a) for the same reason it's stupid to make a Bloody Mary with Grey Goose - you're killing the taste of the expensive and presumably better liquor - and (b) people who need to cut their wine with soda water generally don't know what they're drinking anyway. But I was bored, so for the fuck of it I decided to convince this woman to order her spritzer with our most expensive wine.)

OPETH. "DELIVERANCE".

2009-12-13T04:10:00.001-05:00

Yeah, couldn't tap along. Too drunk.

Keep in mind that my "tapping along" is not your "my index finger keeps time with the downbeats". It's more along the lines of "Super Awesome Guy Air Guitar Hero". In that my tapping along means I know where each drum is respectively on my desk, and my feet are playing alternately double bass and bass/hi hat.

But still, yeah, couldn't tap along.

GUESS A HANGOVER IS INEVITABLE TOMORROW. NOW.

2009-12-13T02:01:00.001-05:00

From Random

I kind of forgot that was port wine as I was pouring it.

I don't own a funnel. So I guess I'm drinking it.

Aw shucks.

THE STORY ABOUT THE BACKPACK

2009-12-09T22:51:00.002-05:00

From Random

This is a pink backpack, and here is its story from what I know.

Towards the end of my second semester at Rutgers, I discovered that despite the sober face of many of the people in the program who wanted to seem like the hard, studious types, there actually was a drunkard underbelly of people, and we began to hang out regularly after workshop on Tuesdays and drink heavily at McGovern's. It was all well and good, over the summer it obviously stopped, but once we got back into the fall and, for me, once I returned from tour, the debauchery continued and, thanks to additions, maybe even got worse. This resulted in us regularly getting shitting pants drunk and closing out the bar.

I used to take the train back with one of the other poets in the program, which was probably fortunate since he no longer lives in Jersey City and when I do stay there very late now, I'm lazy enough to pay for cab rides home. One of these nights in particular, we walked back to Penn Station (in Newark, where we picked up the PATH and about ten minutes from the bar). At Penn Station in Newark, night or day, there are a large number of bums and degenerates hanging around in general, but especially around the bus terminal, where we would walk in. Just inside, there was a backpack in the middle of the floor, a pink backpack with an address on it. I didn't see anyone around to whom it might belong, so I assumed that someone had forgotten it there, and for one reason or another, decided to pick the backpack up in order to take home and mail back to the address on it. Upon further inspection - I opened the thing up - I saw that it was filled with baby food, diapers, and the like, and given that it was all stuffed into a pink backpack, I thought that whoever had lost it probably really needed the stuff, and that only solidified my decision despite my friend not really thinking it was a good idea.

When I sobered up, I realized there were a number of potential issues with this. What if the person had not actually forgotten it there, but I had inadvertantly stolen the backpack? My address would be on the package in question, and maybe the person would think I had stolen it, realized there was nothing good in it, and then decided to mail it back. It would be kind of convoluted, but considering my fear was that the person would drive up from Point Pleasant (the address) to kick my ass over the issue, irrationality was not deemed to be out of the question in my mind. Or what if I tried to mail it out and was accused of terrorism? I thought about just going back to the terminal and placing it back exactly where I found it, but cops are fucking everywhere in that place... I'd probably be tackled before I got ten feet were I to place a backpack on the floor and try to indiscreetly walk away.

So the backpack sat on the floor of my apartment while I tried to figure out what to do with it. Should I just dump it? Well then my attempted act of good will would be completely nullified... no longer zero sum, but negative net. I couldn't do with that. It sat on my floor for about two months while I tried to figure out the best course of action. At the time, I was actually dating a woman with a child, and considered briefly offering the items to her... but it was full of baby formula and whatnot, so I decided against it; besides, having been a young single mother, I assumed she'd probably see the issue more as me being a drunken dick than an attempt at good will.

Finally, I decided to just mail the thing back and see what happened. After all, if the theft of a backpack filled with baby items actually was that financially damaging to the woman, she probably wouldn't want to spend any money coming up with her brother or boyfriend or whatever to kick my ass; and, if it wasn't that financially damaging, she probably wouldn't bother with the whole situation anyway. So, I finally mailed it out. A week later, it returned back to me: bad address. The anticlimactic end to the story of the pink backpack... after all of my concern and fear, the address on the backpack was nothing and nothing happened, except that I wasted like $12.

Anyway. The backpack continued to sit on the floor of my room for the next year. Why? Honestly, I just kind of forgot about the damned thing. After a couple of weeks of it being in the same spot, I began to kind of just walk and move around it. The box became a part of the decor of my room... I would catch it in the corner of my eye from time to time and think Oh yeah, I need to get rid of that thing but... nothing ever came of it. Finally tonight, though, I got rid of it. It is currently sitting in the garbage outside of my apartment, waiting to be picked up. I probably should have donated what was inside, but somehow that felt weird considering it wasn't mine to begin with; besides, what if the stuff actually was poisoned or something?

So, goodbye, pink backpack.

DEAR PANDORA...

2009-12-09T19:04:00.003-05:00

... Led Zeppelin is neither Grunge nor Seattle Sound. I'm going to like this anyway, because I like the Grunge/Seattle Sounds station and I like Led Zeppelin... but come on, let's get your genres straight.

LISTEN...

2009-12-09T18:28:00.004-05:00

I don't give a shit if they're commercially baked and chock full of preservatives... I fucking love Entenmann's cakes. And I'm very sad that I couldn't find their pumpkin pie today in the store since it's almost out of season, but the French style cheesecake is definitely a good alternative and just made me super happy.

Ow, my tooth hurts.

Anyway. Yeah, that's all.

(Actually, part of the reason I buy them is because they are chock full of preservatives. If I buy freshly baked pies, living by myself, I'll either get really fat really quickly or throw away half of every pie. If I buy the Entenmann's, I can stretch it out over a couple of weeks instead of one.)

CHICKEN = CHX

2009-12-09T14:27:00.002-05:00

An acquaintance of mine posted on Facebook as his status update a few minutes ago: "Ali says "Icken" is not "X!" so everyone stop writing chx when referring to chicken.

I'm trying to avoid getting into debates via Facebook status update these days because you end up just looking like a pompous twat in most cases regardless of whether you're right or wrong, so I didn't respond there. But, here's the thing.

Restaurants, clearly, for a long time, did not have POS systems, and even now, many do not. Outback, despite being a successful chain, notoriously uses a half assed sort of POS system that requires its servers to undergo a two week training course in order to learn "their" shorthand; but, really, it's common in restaurants without a system to make their servers use a common system of shorthand so that different cooks aren't forced to figure out what Wendy means by "MR", which could be a burger medium rare but could also be a sloppily written "MB", meaning spaghetti with meatballs. (As you can imagine, this is far more important in a diner setting than a fine dining setting.) Both because it's common for people in the restaurant business - front of house as well as back of house - to move around from place to place, and because this shorthand is generally the most logical and efficient end result of the original word, it's no surprise that after decades and millions of restaurants, even if you work in a restaurant without a POS system, where one is forced to write something down, you'll find the same abbreviations since chances are, the person writing it at one point did work in a restaurant without a system.

Point being, "chx" comes from restaurant shorthand for "chicken". And while "icken" does not sound like "x" necessarily, it makes sense if you consider that it probably went something like "chicken" --> "chick" --> "chx". And it isn't hard to imagine that after decades of writing it that way, the abbreviation has entered into the common lexicon rather than being native to restaurant workers.

[In restaurants with a POS system, if a server is good, it really isn't necessary to write an order down in the first place. I generally do not; if we're very busy, I do, because (1) if I have to take orders for four tables in a row, I'd rather ensure that I get it right than fuck something up and throw a wrench in my system (believe me, I do have a system and tend to sink into my own little world when I'm busy), and (2) often, it makes the customer more comfortable to see the server writing down his or her order. But if you're ever at a restaurant and your server isn't writing down your order, don't question it or worry... trust me, we're capable of ringing in an order incorrectly even if it's written down correctly. Brain farts occur in any number of ways. The bottom line is that a good server will make very few mistakes, and a bad server will make a lot, regardless of how the order gets from your mouth to the kitchen. But, more to the point, we do this forty hours per week. If your burger comes out with tomato when you ordered it without tomato, truth be told, chances are you actually did not order it without tomato. Just because we smile and apologize doesn't mean it wasn't your fault.]

SERIOUSLY

2009-12-09T00:15:00.003-05:00

... I just ordered another pizza. I don't know what's going on with me lately. For about a good two or three years, I only very sparingly ate pizza. I've been eating it four or five times per week over the last three or four weeks, though.

Maybe it's just my laziness kicking in. There are, after all, only a couple delivery options near me after eleven. And to be fair, I had been planning on walking to the bar tonight until I saw it was raining.

Whatever, fuck you. I'm going to wait for my pizza.

ALAN GROSSMAN

2009-12-05T05:55:00.003-05:00

"A poem is about something the way a cat is about a house."

I hate when people ask me what I write about. What am I going to say? Trees? Relativity? Bottle caps? It's such a ridiculous question. "What kind of poetry do you write" is valid, so is a question of genre regarding fiction. But anyone worth his or her salt as a writer cannot possibly answer the question "what do you write about", nevermind the fact that it's bucking the point to even ask the question in the first place. Even if I could answer the question, would that give you an idea of my poetry suddenly? Would you, out of that one general statement regarding the subject matter of my poetry, be able to guess a few lines? If you're actually interested, just read my fucking work. Otherwise, please don't put on airs... I don't really care that you don't care. Really.

Also, it's pretty cool that as tired as I was earlier, I could only sleep for about five hours. Really cool, especially since today is supposed to be ridiculously busy, and I will be exhausted.

PIZZA

2009-12-04T21:25:00.002-05:00

I have now had six slices of pizza today... two for lunch, four for dinner. It has been my entire sustenance for the day - besides a few pieces of chocolate.

There are two things I always tell people I don't like: chocolate and pizza. WHY IS MY WORLD TOPSY FUCKING TURVY

AWESOME BUT NOT AWESOME

2009-12-04T17:30:00.002-05:00

... except it's $160. Before tax and shipping.

What the fuck, Gang?

FUCK MY TELEVISION

2009-12-04T14:06:00.003-05:00

Yeah, that whole rearrangement thing is being blasted right to hell because my television is old and way too bulky to do anything I'd like to do with it. Except, that is, at this point, throw it out the fucking window. It isn't too bulky for that.

REARRANGED

2009-12-04T13:12:00.003-05:00

Jay Kay!

Oh, and no that isn't me, that's a drummer with an awesome kit and not a whole lot of creativity... why would you post a video of yourself playing exactly what John Otto does? Congrats, you can learn music.

Anyway, time to rearrange my apartment now that the semester has ended. Problem... it's so much fucking work. I think I'm going to take my long desk and put it in my office to allow for ease of transit wheeling my chair from one end to the other; I'll take the desk with the bookshelf above it and make that the television stand and dvd rack and take the current dvd rack and bring it into the office as yet another bookshelf. I'll take the television and hopefully move it to the other side of the living room, which would allow ample room for me to bring my recliner into the living room alongside the couch rather than in my bedroom, which would open up space in my bedroom for... something, I don't know what yet, I really only use that room for sleep and you know what, wink wink (do you know? because I haven't done anything but sleep in that thing for weeks now). And, finally, I think I'm going to move the minifridge out into the living room because, eventually, I'm going to put a bar against that far wall (no one knows what I'm talking about, no one even reads this but the ones who do have never been over, but oh well fuck off) with the minifridge, a kegerator, and a temp controlled wine rack beneath and the liquor stock above (no speed pours, attracts flies even if it does take away from authenticity).

So yeah, lots of work, and goddamn do I not feel like doing it all today. But I have off and no plans, so why the hell not. (Except for the bar part... I'm only planning on constructing one out of wood and cement bricks - I've thought it over and yeah, it will actually work with the decor of the rest of my apartment, which is more or less in the "thrown the fuck together haphazardly" style - but I need to figure a few more things out before I just go ahead and throw it in.)

GLENN BECK / THOMAS PAINE

2009-12-04T11:56:00.002-05:00

"But Paine gave the world more than those two words ['Common Sense']. And when we open Paine's even more famous work, The Rights of Man, a defense of the French Revolution, we find that it begins with a denunciation of the very idea of one generation binding future generations. 'You must heed the call of generations past,' Beck pontificates in his homage to Paine. 'The vanity and presumption of governing beyond the grave is the most ridiculous and insolent of all tyrannies,' Paine slapped back in 1791. 'Man has no property in man; neither has any generation a property in the generations which are to follow.'"

From "The Triumph of the Conservative Underground", an article on Glenn Beck by Thomas Frank in the December 2009 issue of Playboy. I like that passage; the previous paragraph introduces Paine into the equation of "Beck" because Beck seems to love and idolize him so much, while not totally getting much of what Paine believed, but most specifically this idea that we need to go back to the exact ideals of our founding fathers because the Consitution is a perfect document, or whatever bullshit he's spouting (although that is pretty much it). Even the Constitution is a living document thanks to the Amendments, but regardless, our system of government is perfectly set up to grow and improve... contrary to Beck's beliefs, we are not a prosperous nation because of the Constitution and the Founding Fathers alone. Providing a strong foundation to a house does not automatically mean the house will never need improvements. (Or, for that matter, that stronger foundations will never be subsequently engineered and built.)

Anyway, the article is heavily one sided, but when dealing with a figure like Beck, it probably comes as close to neutral as possible. Definitely worth a look.

MORE AWESOMENESS

2009-12-02T03:33:00.002-05:00

I mean, besides me in general.

Also, I almost put, for the tag, . Yeah, me's drunk.

FOOD POISONING AHOY

2009-12-02T03:20:00.002-05:00

I just ate four crab rangoons that had been sitting on my counter since I ordered them almost this long ago. And they were delicious, almost as delicious (almost) as if I had eaten then while fresh. But still... Still Tasty doesn't offer anything regarding how long crab rangoons can hold out for.

Oh well.

HUNGOVER

2009-12-01T13:23:00.001-05:00

EPISODE 110

2009-12-01T04:36:00.000-05:00

Aw shit son, things just got real.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

2009-11-30T22:18:00.002-05:00

I posted this on Friday. I should probably post that more often, because holy christ have I made money in the three days since.

Here's to hoping holiday season keeps this shit up.

I WANTS THE WHISKEY IN MY HAND

2009-11-30T22:13:00.003-05:00

... not at the bar. Goddammit.

I mean yeah, technically I have all that booze in my cabinet. Buuuuuut I'm too tired and in need of a drink to want to risk drinking booze that is, itself, old enough to drink.

I really wish cooler people hung out at that bar. Or that my only friend in the neighborhood didn't have to wake up at like six in the morning.

MY DAY

2009-11-30T21:35:00.001-05:00

There was something else, too. I forget what, though.

MOUSEMATE

2009-11-30T08:59:00.000-05:00

"Brooklyn!"

"No proper nouns, bitch."

MAN VS TODDLER

2009-11-30T08:52:00.002-05:00

I've been ignoring this video for a few days because I assumed it would be stupid, but... nah. It's brief and hilarious, just like I like my videos. It takes a gimmick, riffs on it for just the right amount of time, then ends it before it becomes masturbatory. Approve.

HAHA AWESOME

2009-11-29T22:02:00.002-05:00

"Today, I found out I've been misspelling my name for 25 years. FML"

(1) Awesome, I only did it unwittingly for seventeen years... someone has me beat.

(2) Commenter #14: "I bet his name is Michael." That's my middle name. I remember this distinctly, too... I was told in kindergarten that my middle name was spelled "Micheal", and it was never corrected. I had no idea until I needed to look at my birth certificate for whatever reason my senior year of high school. I just continued spelling it how I always had after that, except for official documents if it seems like it would matter.

Anyway, I was just happy to see I'm not the only one.

1974 DAVIS CUP

2009-11-29T07:55:00.002-05:00

Not that it really matters much now, but the Times has an article today about the controversy surrounding the 1974 Davis Cup final, which would have been between South Africa and India had the Indian government not boycotted the final due to apartheid. And I say "not that it really matters much now" obviously because I have an opinion regarding the issue, which is what none of the players mentioned (although I'm sure someone did at the time), if the Indians had defeated South Africa, on South African soil with a segregated crowd no less, that would have been a huge symbolic victory as well as a literal victory. And if they had lost, they would have lost in an unfair environment, no skin off their backs.

Anyway, just saying. Speculation can be pretty stupid. I think I would have told my boys to go out and kick some ass.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

2009-11-27T14:38:00.001-05:00

I needsta make lots of money, like right now.

Gimmesomelovin

OH ALSO

2009-11-27T04:59:00.002-05:00

I am, now and forever, smoking weed before every Thanksgiving dinner. I did not this year, but I figure I have like ten more years to do that. Before I die.

MY NIGHT(S)

2009-11-27T04:43:00.002-05:00

I drank until eight in the morning on Blackout Wednesday trying to convince Kelitta to bring Marie and act ghetto at my family dinner, and finished off three bottles of red wine. I woke up around noon still hammered - not drunk, hammered - ate breakfast, then got ready for Thanksgiving. (Kelitta declined my $3000 offer; by that point I had bargained her down to a quarter - an actual quarter - she still wasn't biting.) I spent Thanksgiving definitely very drunk and definitely still drinking. I went to Queens around eight to drink much more. And succeeded. I declined the invite to sleep on their couch and grabbed a train.

My mistake. I fell asleep. I woke up in Brooklyn at Avenue U and Ocean Parkway. (Yeah, I don't know where that is either.) I took a cab back to Manhattan; I almost had the dude drive me to Jersey, but he wanted way too much for it, then he took me (running the meter) way out of my way to the PATH and once in Manhattan, I just said fuck it, paid him (no tip) and got out. Then realized I had no idea where I was, again, and got into another cab, but this time the cabbie was nice and I paid him $30 to take me like twenty blocks. He dropped me off at "Christopher St PATH"... it was 9th St, but whatever, got me back to Jersey. There were two hot Russians that might have wanted to show me why Russian vodka is better than others if you get my drift, but I got off in Hoboken because I have my parents here and didn't want to bring two women back given that (awkward conversation in the morning?). I took a cab home from Hoboken - third cab, given all I spent I might as well have taken one home from the city - and was dropped off at Sherman and Griffith. Got out, then watched the cab go straight down my block while I walked.

So... now I'm drinking pumpkin beer because it's still three hours earlier than when I went to sleep last night, and also tonight was awesome but a bust at the same fucking time. But I did give my bed to my brother, so there you go I guess. I kind of wish I was working tomorrow (today).

WTF HANNITY

2009-11-25T18:57:00.002-05:00

How the fuck does he not stop Dana Perino and remind her that the (arguably, but only mildly so) worst attack on our nation's soil in American history occurred during Bush's presidency? The mother of all fucking terrorist attacks, the exact reason why terrorism is such a key hot button issue in politics now? The terrrorist attack that caused Bush to push for such controversial prevention solutions such as the Patriot Act, and led to the creation of the Department of Homeland Security? Hell, I could go on and on, but I find it really horrific that her point is that the Fort Hood shooting isn't being called an act of terrorism by the current administration supposedly for political reasons, when at the same exact time she's making a political statement about the Bush presidency that is (a) completely inaccurate, and (b) apparently supported by both other people on that particular show. I know, I've come to expect this from Fox News in general, and Sean Hannity specifically, but that doesn't mean I find it any less abhorrent.

Furthermore, why is this not being called an act of terrorism? I can take a stab at that one. Granted, this is arguable, but lest we forget that acts of terrorism, as traditionally defined, are carried out against civilian targets. At Fort Hood, military personnel were specifically targeted, and civilians were clearly left alone. I find it very strange that there's even such a push to call this terrorism, when the grounds for labeling it as such are very auspicious... I can only imagine that the reason for the push is either political or bigoted; as such, it makes even more sense why one would not call it an act of terrorism, given the backlash it could potentially cause towards the Muslim community, which has already gone through hell in our country post 9/11. I was at a bar the other day when two people were discussing the shooting, and the one guy actually said "When you give praise to Allah before shooting, that's an act of terrorism". So many morons in our country feel that violence commited by someone of Islamic faith is what defines terrorism. Not true. Let's not make it worse by defining what amounts to a crazed military attack, an act of terrorism.

DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN, "MILK LIZARD"

2009-11-25T17:45:00.003-05:00

Turn your volume way up, then hit "play":

Awesome right? I know. You don't have to tell me. So can't wait to see them at Thursday's Holiday Show. (Kind of odd they're playing with them for it considering how pissy they got over being bumped in favour of Thursday at the same venue a few years back... maybe now that Thursday isn't popular, Dillinger can accept them or something, who knows.)

OH, ALSO...

2009-11-25T17:33:00.003-05:00

I kept meaning to attach this to each of the last few posts... but I'll be capitalizing the post headlines now. The new theme, I think, makes it difficult to pick apart where one post ends and another begins... not impossible, it just isn't overtly clear. I tried to find the place to fix that in the HTML code, but it wasn't as easy as setting the widths and I got bored and went for the easy fix.

COURTESY OF GRAMS AND GRAMPS...

2009-11-25T17:23:00.004-05:00

From Random

That is a freshly stocked liquor cabinet, my friends, courtesy of my grandparents. They've never been drinkers, really, but I guess over the years they've been given bottles from time to time that have kind of just sat there. I don't know why they suddenly felt the need to get rid of it all, but they apparently really want to, so I got about nine bottles worth of various liquors. So, yeah that bottle of Jameson is probably about twenty years old or so, but it's unopened, so booyah. (Not that I would have turned down an opened bottle necessarily, but still.)

It's very strange because my grandmother was pretty insistent on giving me a lot of it, and the thing about that is that at various times, both her and my grandfather have complained that I drink too much. Maybe it finally occurred to them that I'm still in my twenties, not middle aged married with children and responsibilities, or maybe it's the fact that I've managed to stumble my way through both a BA and an MFA now, making me (currently and ostensibly) the most educated member of my family... don't know, don't really care. I just wish there had been some vodka and tequila included, then I'd have all five major styles to contribute to my home bar, whenever I get around to setting one up.

WRITERS BE DRINKIN

2009-11-25T14:15:00.001-05:00

"You may be a writer. You're arrogant. Want another drink?"

"Eh... I don't know..."

"Well then, not a writer."

(Mad Men, Episode 108, "The Hobo Code")

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT

2009-11-25T11:26:00.002-05:00

I took care of all of my thesis/graduation paperwork on Monday, the day it was due, and being in a decent happy but bored mood, I dropped by my favourite bar and began drinking. The idea was to leave at one point, but it didn't happen, and long story short, I don't remember actually leaving. I mean, it's spotty. I know I left of my own accord, but what time and what shape I was in is beyond me. But, that's not the idiotic part, I've done that before. I just checked my bank account, and after drinking heavily for six or seven hours, my bar tab, including tip, was only like $70. But I apparently spent $100 on a fucking cab ride home - either I spent that, or I spent a normal amount and lost the other $60, because I took out $100 at an ATM on Ferry St that I am no longer in possession of. I spent more money on the fucking cab ride home than I did at the bar itself. What the fuck, why.

Okay, rant over. I also realized today that I'm out of coffee, nearly out of bread, and am out of V8. In other words, I need to go grocery shopping. The day before Thanksgiving. I am so using self checkout.

SARAH PALIN BOOK SIGNING

2009-11-25T09:26:00.002-05:00

MICROWAVEABLE SOUP

2009-11-23T13:10:00.004-05:00

Sade doesn't think microwaveable soup is a good idea.

Agreed. (I'm only linking to the blog post because it made me think of it.) I've begun eating soup lately, quite a bit actually, which is something I've never done before... but since I'm becoming ever more focused on being fiscally responsible, I've been ordering out much less and eating at home much more. As part of that, I've discovered how great of a lunch soup (or soup and a sandwich) can be, in part because of variety and deliciousness, but in part because holy crap it is easy and fast to make. (1) Open can, (2) Dump in pot, (3) Heat and stir. And it takes like five minutes, max. So, I'm really confused as to who needed to make that process simpler. Which step was the difficult one? It couldn't have been step one, since most cans now are pop tops and you'd still have to open the container for a soup in hand or whatever the fuck it is. Dump in pot? Is it the act of turning a container over? Or just the idea of having to wash a pot afterwards? Is it the stirring that's the issue? Do you need to save four minutes of prep time? I'm so fucking confused. And the worst part about it is that SOUP IS ALREADY MICROWAVEABLE:

From Random

(A bit blurry, but you get the point.) I'm a pretty lazy dude, especially when it comes to cooking - I have a stock of TV dinners that I will actually heat in the oven for the sake of quality, but I will not just learn how to fucking cook myself - but I think I can take the few extra minutes to simmer some soup up, and I think you can too.

HOO SHOT MAH CAYKE

2009-11-23T12:59:00.001-05:00

TIDBITS FROM WAITING TABLES

2009-11-23T11:25:00.003-05:00

Me: ... and our Sugar Free Dessert Special today is Chocolate Mousse Cake*.

Customer: Sugar free?! Who on earth would have a dessert with no sugar in it?

Me: ... a diabetic.

*Our sugar free option has been Chocolate Mousse Cake every fucking day. Just like our special has been prime rib every fucking day for the last, like, month.

**Update**At a preshift meeting the other day, I asked our chef if we're going to have a different sugar free option at all. He said yes, it's a daily special. I mentioned the fact that it's been the same thing every day. He got kind of pissy and said we need to tell them if there's an idea for something that might sell better. We walked it out or whatever, but I'm really confused why his servers need to mention that maybe it'd be a good idea to switch up the "daily special". Maybe it's a language barrier issue and he doesn't get that "daily special" doesn't mean it's the same special every day. I don't know. Oh well.